He lives on thorns
And no mercy is shown
Shabby clothes
Fathomless eyes
Searches for an answer
Searches for a door
A door to heaven
A playground
A see-saw, a merry go round
Some laughing lips, some innocent eyes
They get a hug after a fall
But he searches for an answer
And searches for a reason
Where are you father
Will you carry me on your shoulder?
Where are you Mother
I need a hug when I fall
And when I cry in the corner
With head on my knees
I want a kite, and a toy car
Coz for now, I play with the muddy ones
I want new clothes
Coz for now, all I wear are tatters
He is still searching for an answer
And a reason
Will this search ever end?
Will the reason present itself?
He shall wait till then
Washing bowls, and serving tea
I am sure, a reason does exist
and his lips, one day will carry a smile
© rahul
08.04.2009
Chaat Vaat Khaalo..!! Creative House
Image - http://www.sciencelearn.org.nz/ (Might be subjected to Copyright)
21 comments:
Beautiful, with strength..
@ Abbey
Thank You..!!
It's good!! But I'd replace "fathomless" with a smaller word!
And it's "merry" not "marry", buddy!
Over all...nice one!
@ Saadi
Yes, it's merry, My bad.
Thank you for the read.. :)
why did you start with
"I know I have written on this theme before, but I couldn't help it."?
It's your space Rahul, your home, a place where you live for yourself and you write what you feel..
oops sorry there i go. once i start i will go on and on :)
lovely piece Rahul... it's written from a child's perspective.has come out really well...the feel is too good.. write on!
@ Viji
I purposely wrote it as I have written "Pretty little child" somewhat closer to this one. Yea, its my space, so I can write what i want to. But on the other hand,I don't want to sound repetitive. :)
Yes, written from a child's perspective, inspired from a real incidence.
thank you for the read Viji. :)
Beautiful...
I know what inspired you to wirte this one. LIfe....right?
Im with u...always!!
@ Nandita
Yes, kindof
Thank You so much baby.. :)
I like the positive note in the end !! bravo !!
@Pretty me
Thank You..!!
For a poem, this is good. Strong images cross my mind as I read this one.
However, there is an instance or two when you have switched lines between two different style of expressions. Yes, "style of expressions".
For instance -
"He lives on thorns
And no mercy is shown
Shabby clothes
Fathomless eyes
Searches for an answer
Searches for a door"
In the above verse, the first two lines are different from the rest. Bold move. This verse steals the show!!!
Use "a merry go round" instead. I don't know whether it is intentional but you've picked up the right amusement rides here. Well done!!!
The mood shrugs a bit in this line - "Some laughing lips and innocent eyes". Use this instead - "Some laughing lips, some innocent eyes". For a song, this shall suit well. And, I write so as I've always seen you as a songwriter.
"They fall, and in return get a hug" - Meh, this line doesn't work very well. There is a sense of disconnection there. Fix it if you too feel the need to do so.
"I too need a hug when I fall" - leans towards prose-like; do you want that? Remove the "too" if you don't.
"glee" - hmm, you could replace this word perhaps.
Overall, very well done!!! I understand the passion you have towards the subject. I recall your comment on my take on this subject and your earlier song too. And, I recall we've both commented on some other blog that spoke of the same topic, didn't we?
The feelings, the strong thoughts are apparent here. One major beat you've played here is by going simple. Good on you. Finally, you're following what I wrote to you, hehe.
Keep them coming!!!
Thank You Ajey.
Glad you liked it. I will change the words you pointed out..
Yes I recall the song your are talking about. And the other one too..!!
Thank you for your time and read Ajey..!!!
Ajey,
I have changed the words you pointed out. I hope it works now..!! :)
It worked right from the beginning Rahul. Do not doubt that. If you're happy with this one, then it is fine cause right now I am happy with it.
Ajey,
The changes worked for me too..
Its much better now... :)
I like it Rahul.
It's very lovely and truly felt.
Hi Rahul,
I like your poem a lot!! I'm deeply impressed with the theme your poems carry - deep humanitarian feelings. Great message that reminds us, that there are less fortunate out there.
Thank you for that!
-Alex
@ Khaled
Thank You..!!
@ Alaxandra
Thank You..!!
I had so many people I know and have come across in my mind when I read this..
"and his lips, one day will carry a smile"
a wish sent out to many, Katie
@Rainbow Dreams
Thank You..!!!
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