Four hours, a different life
NO LOVE
Black blood
No brotherhood
Static by the window pane
While entire world traveled in a train
A live-with life
Hugged a live-with
Yet lifeless life
Don’t cut her
With a saw or a knife
SOME HATE
Still I wait
The birds fly in the skies
It is their genetic trait
I did flied
Never slide, I did
Something out of the box
But you believed those hoax
NO MONEY
Still the nights are young
And days are bright and sunny
I am the same, as I was in the womb
Does this really matter?
A matter of honor and pride?
Ha! I don’t need it
While I have some blue and white walking side by side
NO FUTURE
How do you know that?
Have you ever been in the time machine
Ha! I know your tact
I know what I do is write
When you think nothing is right
Get me a coffee without sugar
A pen, a paper, and a hand
My future, I can bend
© rahul
22.03.2009
Chaat Vaat Khaalo..!! Creative House
Image - lib.unb.ca (might be subjected to Copyright)
NO LOVE
Black blood
No brotherhood
Static by the window pane
While entire world traveled in a train
A live-with life
Hugged a live-with
Yet lifeless life
Don’t cut her
With a saw or a knife
SOME HATE
Still I wait
The birds fly in the skies
It is their genetic trait
I did flied
Never slide, I did
Something out of the box
But you believed those hoax
NO MONEY
Still the nights are young
And days are bright and sunny
I am the same, as I was in the womb
Does this really matter?
A matter of honor and pride?
Ha! I don’t need it
While I have some blue and white walking side by side
NO FUTURE
How do you know that?
Have you ever been in the time machine
Ha! I know your tact
I know what I do is write
When you think nothing is right
Get me a coffee without sugar
A pen, a paper, and a hand
My future, I can bend
© rahul
22.03.2009
Chaat Vaat Khaalo..!! Creative House
Image - lib.unb.ca (might be subjected to Copyright)
6 comments:
I get the underlying message, sort of.
Umm, the style; you see, this is arguable. There are many including me who like the disconnected style which breaks all theories of songwriting. So, I won't write that I don't like the style. However, you could polish it furthermore.
But, the usage and grammar slip away on many occasions. So, you are better off editing it.
And, that brings me back to the style issue. Considering some small and some big errors in usage, you are better off sticking to the conventional style of writing.
The highlighted keywords and message is pretty strong Rahul. Just do justice to it.
Keep it up!!!
Thank You Ajey...I am glad that you got the underlying message....Yes, the style of writing is a bit arguable. But at times it's okay to break the rules and do something out of the box, innit?
As you see, the song portrays the same message, so the style kind of goes well with it. That was the sole purpose of writing it like this..
AS you know, I am still working on them, and need a lot of improvement. A lot of work to work upon. I am doing that, of course with your advises and suggestions..
Thank You for the read brother.. :)
-Rahul
"But at times it's okay to break the rules and do something out of the box, innit? "
Oh, sure, you could do so. This is a field where you are permitted to do so. But, master the basics first mate. That's all I am writing.
And, yea, you have a solid point there - "As you see, the song portrays the same message, so the style kind of goes well with it."
Either ways, you're better of conveying the message in a neater conventional style for now rather than an improper disconnected style.
Am I making sense here Rahul? Please feel free to ask me if I am not.
Yes, It does make sense...I will keep it in mind :)
I actually had to read it twice to get the point ! first read i was jsut lost in the flow !! coming to the poem/song .. i liked the words and the way they been interconnected !! a strong message in the end ! the tone was jsut perfect :)
@pretty Me
Thank You..!!
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