Chapter 1: I am a ridiculous man. Though I was never this ridiculous before, but I have grown on this over a period of time. The day I graduated, I was more ridiculous. Having got a job offer in hand, I had a feeling of growing older, a more mature man. And then, I started working. Sometimes, I feel like screaming on the top of my lungs. Most days, when the days are bright, the nights always have something to offer. Nights, why aren’t they bright? Most of the times while I am awake through them, I am alive, almost every time. Clear plans gush through my mind, while I am alive. I have decided to leave everything behind and move on for a better life. This definitely is not me.
I have lost the count of the days. The Sun laughs at me questioning,” will you be able to survive this ridiculed life?” But my heart is at ease, it’s relieved. At least, I don’t have to go back to the chaotic place once I worked & practically lived in, and yes I smile. I hear nothing except the sound of wind, which tries it’s best to scare the hell out of me. Though I believe in His existence, still I know not if He will keep me going. Every now and then, I am approaching some or the other mirage with some hope in my heart and a can in my hand.
I can see the leaks in to sand, on the barren land. Every few minutes, I try to sneak through them hoping to find something, something to keep my mind working. My car has broken down. Is this the sole reason of me wandering into this desert? You know what I mean, I’ll rather let it water in to ambiguity, as I have my own reasons.
I can see a nude man at some distance. With a bleak face, he stares at me. He is standing nude from head to toe, with a horse by his side. He climbed the horse and vanished within seconds. This so-called lifecycle of human being is the same. You are born nude, and you die nude. You vanish within seconds and nothing possibly can be done about it. I have reached another figment of Him; and I know I’d find nothing or everything. Latter will never be right and the first of the two will never be wrong. I am facing illusions, or am I discovering my inner self? I am completely psyched, who am I? Twenty four years of existence and still I struggle, why? I am alone and forlorn, no one is around. I am struggling to find my existence. Is this an after-effect of heat, or the only truth? If this is the only truth, I have lied myself for an entire period of twenty four years. Damn!
Maybe I am me, or maybe I am the nude man. I am flying around the extinguished fire. I have felt content never. Lesser children used to pass by, smiling even if they had nothing, and you know that that is the best part. I had everything, yet I always was down, crazy, insane, red, blue ‘n all. I had every color in my pocket, still they were empty, and I was content never. And here I stand, a ridiculous man with nothing but ridiculous thoughts. Some unforeseen circumstances, both good and bad are waiting for me. Some would hug me; some would try to knock me down. I have planned to be indifferent to both. Cacti lives with thorns around them, but still are green, unlike the city trees, untrue trees. No one waters them; maybe this is the reason for the thorns around. I want to be like them, Cooperative - Acts -by Us (in short, Cactus).
As I am walking to an unknown destination, a fear starts to crop-up in my mind. It keeps on building, though I am unsure of what exactly it is. Is this because somewhere in my mind I know that my end is near? Or is this because of the fact that I know that the whole world’s end is near. It can be anything, but I have decided not to think about it and keep walking on the road to perdition.
“You are a sinister, you are NOT innocent“, and I am walking. I have decided to act as it comes. Everything is going color to blur. “Thou shall die, thou shall never survive”, the words are ringing in my head, over and over again. I can see a small hut, and a small girl is standing outside. I look at her and she passed a smile as if she welcomes me to her estate. With a straight face, I try to ignore her and keep on walking. We all do the same, and end up dying in the battle field. Don’t we? And I am no different, am I? Who knows, I may die with a smile or a cry on my face, everything depends on me. I can be me, or I can be that little girl. Reluctantly, I look behind, she is no more there. She has disappeared, and the hut has disappeared too. Mirage? May be yes. I am not shocked, for earlier I have witnessed a similar case. Remember the nude man? Wait; is the nude man the girl, and the horse the hut? Anyways, the journey under the Solaris continues. Nothing visible, nothing invisible. I am completely psyched. Ridiculous I have me as my partner. I am marking my directions every now and then, but that wind washes it away every single time. Nothing is permanent, nothing is static. An uncertainty is cropping up in my mind. A fear has started to build up in my heart. A body has started to give up, despite every effort to overcome the fears. But I have to keep going; something on left has advised me to keep moving, to save my survival, to discover my inner self. At times, I try to ignore the voices in my head, when my knees go weak and numb. But then, this is my only chance, the only chance to know what I really have been in the past twenty four years. And I carried on, overcoming every obstacle, every fear which tried thwarting my way to the ultimate discovery.
They call me a man of no words, for I try never to keep them. A man of no emotions, for I am not born with any. My father said I laughed while entering this world unlike any other kid, who usually would cry, though I always have my doubts. I never believed him and his self-made myths. As far as I remember, I have never smiled; laughter is out of the question. And I still doubt if ever I’ll smile. As I said before,” Deny the truth and you shall face it”, so who knows? Me not.
I remember a phrase my grandmother used to recite when I was young, “Credits must end for reel to roll over again”. A smile is a possibility after the reel would roll over again, but then, who knows? Me not. I was lost in thoughts, and then an eagle noticed me and tried to knock me down. Rightly so the eagle had attacked, as I have entered her territory. I may steal her food, or I may be her prey. Who know? Me not. Reason can be anything; she does not need to give them. I struggle and try to overcome her force, only to fail every time. I run and look for a place to hide, like a prey would do in such circumstances. Luckily, I save my self, only to be attacked again.
What waits for me, I know not. All I know is I know who I am. I can smile, I can see better days, and I can sense a better coming to life. I can feel a little Floyd in my head; I can sense a little green in my pocket. I feel like singing:
“I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life”.
I can see the nude man standing outside the hut. I can see him smile. I can feel a sweet little pain of satisfaction in my heart. Finally, I am my heart.
